It has subsided but it will nvr cease

Was talking to my mom when she suddenly asked me

“***** minta kakak jadi kawan dia. Itu je. Dia anggap kita sebagai one big family. Boleh tak?”

I dunno but the moment I heard his name and before my mom finishes her sentence, I already said “ARGH! Tak habis2!”

I am trying not to hate anyone but the experience I gained when I was in a relationship with him was a total heartache. Nothing could describe how I felt during that period. When I recalled everything, I felt so stupid for accepting relationship. I felt so stupid for trusting his words that he will prove me wrong. After sometimes, I know his true characters and I could not put up with it any longer. Furthermore his actions and words are killing my emotions and my heart is struggling to cope up with the excruciating pain. Throughout the relationship and up till now I’ve been questioning myself why I am so silly to have believe his words and now that I’ve trapped myself, I felt so sorry for my family. Not only do I create trouble for myself but the fact that I do create trouble for my family is saddening me. He treat my family like his own family and due to that reason he will keep coming back for visit. But one thing for sure, I do have a problem trying to treat him as a friend. Im worried that things will not turned out the way I want it to be and I know guys cannot be trusted. In addition, his immaturity and indecisiveness in relationship especially could easily lead to my annoyance. So to play safe, I always run away from him.

However, the problem now is the festive season coming up in few months time. I could already anticipate the scene. The involvement of my mother in this issue and the maaf-zahir-batin-month is playing in my mind now. He has been asking my parents whether I’ve forgave him and yes I did. But if I did why am I still behaving this way. My younger brother (Md. Khairul Afiq) said

“kesian plak adik tgk dia tapi fikir2 balik knpe dier bodoh sgt.” (Mind the words. That’s how he speaks.) My abang (Md. Khairulddin) did say somewhat the same line bcos he too can’t tolerate immaturity in relationship.

I do see some similarities in his behavior and khairul afiq’s behavior. But I do scold my brother for being immature in relationship too. But his reply would be,

“ko tak tau cerita ko diam-diam suah ah. Jgn nak buat cerita yg bukan2 eh. Adik tak suka.”

The fact that my adik don’t like being tegur already dampened the process of mentality change. When my dad tegur ******, he was pissed with my dad. Ala kulli hal, I do hope he is catching up well with life. I don’t wanna talk to him in any way be it directly or indirectly cos like what friends have asked me “ko pakai ilmu ape ah? lelaki sng stuck ngan ko.” I dunno lah but that’s the reason why I don’t like to make friends with guys. Sometimes I don’t feel like associating myself with guys anymore. They are one of the most dangerous creatures on earth. But alas, its impossible.

I am still thinking how to face the situation but I hope it is just my imagination running astray. I don’t like to break the bonds of kinship especially among our Muslim friends but the situation had force me to do so and I hope Allah forgive me for the sins I’ve done :(